How To Bake A Successful Business & Leave A Foul Taste – A TELSTRA RECIPE

It’s not often that I write a post in Notepad, but thanks to Telstra – I have no internet, and no other option. Three broken Elite devices in the space of a month, twinned with a replacement dongle that isn’t compatible with Windows 7, left me wondering what makes a successful business out of this chaos?

Allow me to introduce Telstra. By their own admission they are a mobile phone & broadband company offering the next generation in internet services, the 4th G in fact. Personally, I’d argue that they’d be breaking the trade descriptions act if they branded themselves as the previous G.

You might think that I’m alone in my upset, however, visit any Telstra store and you’ll struggle to get to the service desk for scores of unhappy customers – Just last week I waited in line for over an hour to be seen. I was in a queue of just five who clearly hadn’t come to pay their bill. Recent customer satisfaction survey results make for grim reading too, just 60.3% of customers were either fairly or very satisfied with the provider – the lowest of all major Australian mobile providers (See article).

So how do these clowns get away with having a complete lack of business morality? Well, much like the Colonel Sanders, they have a pretty special recipe for success;

Successful Business Recipe (serves 1 nation);

  • 1 Large country
  • A few thousand apologetic employees
  • A generous handful of poorly made hardware
  • Thousands of unhappy customers
  • 1 social media team
  • 1 call centre
  • 1 large brick wall
  1. Take ONE large country and scatter a cup full of professional looking shops throughout.
  2. Whisk in a few thousand (half) non-technical employees that are good at saying sorry, but not a lot else.
  3. Slowly pour in products that look the part, but in reality will break after a week or two.
  4. Optional: Heap in a couple of equally poor alternatives – this will bide time before needing to apologise again.
  5. Add thousands of irate customers – blood must be boiling hot.
  6. Now whisk the remaining few thousand apologetic staff into the bowl of frustration – ensure customer service is non-existent.
  7. Dust in a pretty good social media technical team – to add a little sweetness & irony, as you need an internet connection to access this step.
  8. Roll out the mixture and drizzle a call centre of confused graduates – a poor reception is part of the fun.
  9. The Special Ingredient: Ensure that the recipe is free of sturdy competition before baking.
  10. Bake until irate customers get bored of banging their head against a brick wall or hearing the word sorry.

It is imperative that there is no competition; this will ensure that millions of internet hungry Australians will be left with no option but to chomp into their sh*t sandwich whilst paying handsomely for the privilege.

What is your experience of Telstra? Would you add any additional ingredients to the recipe?


One thought on “How To Bake A Successful Business & Leave A Foul Taste – A TELSTRA RECIPE

  1. I could not have put this better myself Terence!
    Amen to that… I could write pages on my absolutely HIDEOUS experiences with them, but I shan’t waste anymore energy on those f#%king imbeciles.

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